Ok. Yes. I’m bad at this. And other things.

I’ve been away for a long, long time. Who knew I was such a lazy piece of shit?

And you know what? I’m not sorry.

Because I don’t have to be. And because life has been a bit crazy.

But I am mad at myself. I need to write more. I want to write more. Pithy headlines, TV/radio scripts and “romanticizing” the food is what I do for my job. And I love it. It’s what I spent 6 years of college building towards. But I need to remind myself the joy of writing whatever the hell I want. Because it is rejuvenating. And because writing what you are told to write and being critiqued on it every day… Well, it can be a bit exhausting. But still. I love it. Exhausting though.

It reminds me of my relationship with running. I ran cross country and track in high school. My coach was a real ball-buster. Good guy, but never really let the fun in the sport see the light. I mean, I still enjoyed the competition, but doing it someone else’s way for so long ended up almost ruining it for me. Because I never just ran on my own to have fun. I’m finally getting back to being able to enjoy a nice run. Granted my dog helps with that. Because that face when I put my running shoes on… damn it’s cute. But yeah. I can’t let that happen with writing. And my dog can’t help with that, obviously.

So here I am. Part writing a blog post because it’s been forever. Part personally reminding myself the joy and release of pounding the keyboard on your own terms. And it feels good.

See you soon. (Hopefully)

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Hashtags are #stupid

The title says it all. Hashtags are dumb as shit. I remained quiet on this topic, but now that hashtags have been added to Facebook (which makes no sense), I can no longer contain my rage.

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Hashtags started out with good intentions. It was a way for people to search for trending content. Information like the 2007 San Diego fires or the 2009-2010 Iranian election protests. “Twitterers” were able to search those topics and stay up to date on them.

Fast forward a few years and all hell has broken loose.

#It’s #Like #Hashtags #Have #Become #Their #Own #Twisted #Language. And I shit you not people actually type their sentences like that. So from relavent search topics, people are just hashtagging THE FUCK OUT OF  EVERYTHING. It has become a stupid inside joke for people with the brain capacity of this guy:Image

It got bad on Twitter, but the worst offender has to be Instagram. But on both people have started hashtagging things that don’t have a snowcone’s chance in hell of ever trending (again: they are just an inside joke for the dumb). But they didn’t just start hashtagging one or two things. They hastagged every dumbass thought that enters their minds. Here is an Instagram photo that came up on my facebook feed a while back.  8 goddamn hashtags. Image

Honestly… Did she really think #$$$, #cota, or #whips would ever, EVER trend? So instead of trying to add a funny or witty caption, we get 8 pointless hashtags. The stupid hurts my head.

Then… hashtags came to Facebook. And the best(worst?) part… people would add them to the end of their posts BEFORE they were even clickable. So they served no purpose besides making that person look like an unoriginal, unfunny fool.

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Now that hashtags are clickable on Facebook, they remain just as pointless. Where on twitter everything is much more public and people shout their brainfarts at the masses… Facebook is (generally) more private. People lock down those security settings. And nothing is going to trend when only your network can see what you post. It’s like trying to join a conversation with other people, but each person trying to take part in the conversation is locked in a different soundproof building. Good luck with that. But hey, at least people can derp-laugh that their failed attempts at being funny now link to a to a couple other people just as equally dumb.

In conclusion: Be original. Try to be funny. Don’t rely on the crutch of the painfully cliche and overused hashtag.

#Thanks

#JT

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I’m back… and still a semi-bitter bachelor.

First off, yes, I suck.
“JT, three posts in one week and then none in almost two months!? What the hell, man!?”
Short version: Life got in the way.
Longer version: Work. Dogs. Stress. Kickball. Alcohol. Women. Kick ass music festival. Alcohol. Money. Work. Bachelor party. Alcohol. And here we are.
So give me a break, yo. (I promise I’ll never leave you again)

Ok, now that is out of the way. Here’s what we’re going to talk about today: ….
Shit. To be honest I hadn’t really thought about it. Just felt bad that I’ve been seriously slacking. Ok… Ummm…
Work? No. I do enough of that.
Dogs? That would take a novel. But perhaps the next post. Especially since I’m about to watch after my parent’s dog Daisy, along with my dog, for a week. Oh boy. Yes. That will be in the next post or so.
Stress? Best left at the bottom of a bottle of whiskey.
Bachelor party? Just got back from one. Sounds good.

So let me start over
::ahem::
Ok, now that is out of the way. Here’s what we’re going to talk about today: The Bachelor (hell no, not the show)

So I got back from my great friend Ryan’s bachelor party yesterday, and…come to think of it… that was my first bachelor party. I guess my friends haven’t been the marry right out of, or a few years after, college type. Thank god. What I learned was there are two camps of people: the ones telling him how happy he will be & the ones telling hime to call that shit off.

It was close friends telling him how happy he will be. I’m not sure if it was to be supportive, or because we like his fiancee and genuinely believe he will be happy. I’m thinking the latter. It will suck at times, yes. All relationships do. But he’s been with this girl for a damn long time… high school sweethearts… and hell, I hope they make for the long haul.

The people telling him to run… well those are the people you want to listen to. Because they are often times damn funny and have some good stories. It’s the divorced, sour, married too soon, unhappy, and/or still single people. Hell, I even joked around about it from time to time.

It was then I noticed something about myself and other single people — there is a part of us, while single, that doesn’t want our friends to find romance either.

Whenever a close single friend starts dating someone, that partner in crime slowly gets pulled away. You start never seeing the person alone. Always with the significant other.
ME:   “Hey man, you want to chill.”
FRIEND: “Yeah, sure. Emily and I will be there in 20.”
ME:   “wait…I said yo-”
-click-
Every time they get in a fight, you gently push for that breakup. Yet it never happens.
Then finally they start referring to themselves as “we.”
ME:   “Hey man, you want to chill.”
FRIEND:  “Sorry, we’re just going to stay in tonight.”
ME:   “Alright. Well check out this picture of a sloth.”
FRIEND:   “Dude! That’s hilarious. We LOVE sloths.”
Wait… what the fuck just happened.
And marriage is the final straw. They are bound to someone else. On that leash. He/she can’t go boozing and creating stories that would cause a spouse would start throwing shit over the next day. Then when kids come.
Well, fucking game over.

But then you remember how much you love these damn people. And that you want them to be happy.

AND IF THOSE BITCHES DO ANYTHING TO HURT THEM… SO HELP ME GOD.

So yeah, it kinda fucking sucks when someone else takes the friends away. But hell. I know it will happen to me at some point. Maybe. But you just have to remember how easy it is to be happy that a friend you truly care about found ::gag:: that special someone. Bravo. That shit ain’t easy.

…Now stay tuned in a year or two when the divorces start rolling through…

ps. If this post sucks or was too emotionally-charged (it was for me), blame it on my extended absence and get ready for some good shit with the next post.

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June 10, 2013 · 1:56 pm

Funky Robot Disco

Alright. Real quick. I just had to post this song.

BECAUSE I CAN’T STOP LISTENING TO IT.

Seriously. It has been on repeat. All. Damn. Day.

I don’t remember there being so much hype for an individual song’s release.
Did you see the minute long commercial during SNL? For a song? Insanity. But brilliant as well. Reddit was frothing at the mouth. False stories rumoring leaked versions ran rampant. And fans were stitching together versions just so more than its one minute commercial clip could be enjoyed. Because, let’s be honest, only a minute of this song is the audio equivalent of “just the tip.”

Daft Punk has taken a while to release something new. But FINALLY they have. And then they bring mother effin’ Pharrell (who is goddamn brilliant. And 40! 40!!! He looks 26!). The result?
Magic.
Pure funky robot disco magic.

Alright. Time to get back to playing the song. On repeat. While shaking my shit.
Because Daft Punk and Pharrell now own my hips.

-J “I’m up all night to get lucky” T

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April 19, 2013 · 8:20 pm

Girl. Get real.

Ok. I see this shit from time to time. Girls posting on Facebook, whether it’s a “designed” jpeg or a fat ass block of text, about “the guy they want.” It’s never “a guy who makes me laugh.” Or “a guy who treats me well.” Or “a guy who’s not afraid to show his feelings.” Or even “a guy that enjoys being around me even when I’m at my worst.” IT’S ALL OF THOSE THINGS PLUS ABOUT FIFTEEN OTHER “WANTS.”

Ok. Now before we continue. Let me say this. This is by no means directed at all girls. If you’ve never posted something like this, you are not who I’m talking about. So relax. Furthermore, I by no means am saying I have found the right girl. And I’m not some pro at finding exactly what I want. But I only have two primary “wants.” TWO. (And I have enough trouble making both of those happen for me)

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s take a peek at some examples I’ve seen. Click on them to make them all big and readable-like.

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Ok. This one has 10 demands. TEN. And it’s the most mild of the bunch.

my guy

Now we have 12 demands that are even weirder. And it’s a goddamn list. Not a paragraph description. This person MADE A LIST of ALL of the things she “wants.” I picture a girl going through EVERY one of the romantic comedies on her shelf, with a pen in hand and a notepad in lap: “Ooooh, John and Sally kissed in three different types of weather! I WANT THAT IN A GUY!”
All of you sane girls out there, that’s exactly the sort of thing you look for, right?

I-Want-A-Guy

Now we’re going crazy with colors. And even fucking crazier with what she wants in a guy. I’m going to be perfectly honest with you. I don’t even care to count how many things this chick wants in a guy. Because there are too damn many. What I will say though is that this gal got so specific as to include what she wants from a guy ON CERTAIN DAYS OF THE YEAR.
Get. The. Fuck. Out.
Worry about getting a date for Saturday night. Not what you and some hypothetical guy are going to be doing in the wee hours of New Years Day. Eight months from now.

i_want_a_guy_who__s_____by_g0thicAngeL

This one. Excuse me…
::throws up::
…Alright.
Well, I don’t speak Emoticon, so half of this one was lost on me. But from what I could gather… Just no.
“A guy who I can talk & [Emoticon?] all day with, but know’s when to get [Emoticon?] and Jealous.” Jealous??? What the what?
Oh. And this one. “Oh… and a GUY who’d go with me even if i’m entering the LADIES underwear section..EMBARASSING for them, but wayyyy [Emoticon. Funny? Laughing? Hell, I don’t know] for us girls. lol =]” I shit you not. It’s down there. On the bottom. Second to last one.
I’m going to go throw up again now.

Ok. Now that my stomach is nice and empty, let’s continue, shall we.

Girls (and remember… not all girls…) get real. No guy was created to fill your every want and need. I mean, sure, I hope you find your “Prince Charming.” And (god help him) I hope he can satisfy most of your wants.

BUT, let’s play a game:
Congrats! You get a guy willing to satisfy all of your 15+ very specific wants… You just have to satisfy 15 of his.

I asked some of my guy friends to name some of their dream “wants” in a girl. Weeded out any that were contradictory. Here we go. “Amalgamation Man” just wants a girl who:

  1. Only takes up a proportional amount of the bed.
  2. Likes to watch him play video games.
  3. Is attractive. Even without makeup.
  4. Doesn’t have an annoying ass voice.
  5. Frequently wakes him up in the morning with a blowy.
  6. Doesn’t take forever to get ready.
  7. Is a screamer.
  8. Doesn’t have a sexual history as long as his arm.
  9. Will cook him food.
  10. Doesn’t get pissed about small things.
  11. Wears sexy PJs to bed.
  12. Agrees with everything he says.
  13. Offers to pay for her part of dinner “and shit.”
  14. Will help fold his clothes on laundry day.
  15. Will have sex whenever he feels like it.

THAT’S IT! Wanting all of those is totally reasonable, right?
No. It’s not. It’s fucking crazy. And that’s how you sound… Except, you know, with girl wants.

So girls (again… not all of you…), this is what you should have learned. Do not set unrealistic expectation on guys, and then show those expectation to a ton of guys you know. We will run away. Because that shit is scary.

Just be pleasantly surprised when you find a nice, attractive guy who happens to do a few of those weird ass things you want. Then be even happier if he starts doing more of them over time.

Or, you know, you could keep posting shit like that on Facebook and see how that goes for you.

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Sorry if I’m bad. This is my first time.

So. This is my blog.

I never thought I’d see the day when I would make one of these. Never. I had a “who-really-gives-a-shit-what-this-random-ass-person-thinks-or-has-to-say” attitude toward blogs. And I didn’t want to read the thoughts of someone I knew from freshman year who was trying to sound all philosophical, insightful, and intelligent. Especially when her greatest accomplishment to date was flashing her tits after doing a seven-second keg stand.

StupidPeeps

So yeah. Those are the kind of thoughts I had about blogs. Speaking of which… Blog is a funny word. More on that later. But not really.

So why is yours truly creating a blog then? Here’s why:

  1. I write for a living. In advertising. So, honestly, why not get a little more practice?
  2. Maybe, just maybe, I can entertain a few people with the shit that I say. If they can put aside that I am a random-ass person.
  3. Writing is therapeutic. You should try it. But when you do, write like a real person. Say “you,” not “u.” Say “are,” not “r.” And if you “lol,” you better have effing “lol’d.”
  4. Maybe most importantly — I need to vent. I live in my head a little too much. I want a platform to talk about what I want to talk about, when I want to talk about it. So that’s exactly what will happen here.

So. This is my blog. Things may get weird. Things may get angry. But hopefully, things will be at the very least slightly entertaining. And should I offend you with anything I write in the future… I apologize in advance. 

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